Sports Pros(e)

We need your story by 9:45 ... and by the way, you're fired

2009-04-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

There is a scene in the movie, "The Odd Couple," where Oscar Madison is covering a Mets game and gets called away from the action to take a call in the back of the Shea Stadium press box from Felix Ungar, who tells him not to eat any hot dogs at the park because that's what he's making for dinner.

While he's looking away, Oscar hears the roar of the crowd and learns from another writer that he's just missed witnessing a triple play.

This ranked as the worst-timed phone call ever received by a sports writer -- until yesterday.

Britain's Guardian reports, via a blog post by the Orange County Register's Bill Plunkett, that several Baltimore Sun journalists -- three writers and a photographer -- got word by phone during a game between the Orioles and Angels that they were among the 60-plus people hit by the paper's latest round of layoffs.

This is where I'm supposed to come up with a punch line. But somehow I just can't see the humor in it ...

Fighting words

2009-03-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

We don't know about you, but here at Sports Pros(e), there's nothing we love more than a good fight.

Take two guys with chips on their shoulders and tattoos on their biceps, throw them in a chicken-wire cage and it's enough to make us forget how mad we are at those AIG traders who don't want to give back their bonuses.

It's no wonder mixed martial arts is one of the few American industries not lining up for a government bailout (though maybe Elite XC should have tried that before it tapped out for the last time last fall).

But who is the next Kimbo Slice and where will he come from? For some reason, colleges haven't added this crowd-pleaser to their stable of athletic endeavors. As it turns out, though, a high school in Texas could be the breeding ground for the fighters of the future.

In an innovative take on the idea of conflict resolution, South Oak Cliff High in Dallas apparently believed the best way to resolve problems between students was to let them fight it out in a "cage" of lockers and chain-link fencing in the boys locker room.

With all the concern lately about childhood obesity, we guess it makes sense to disband the debate team and go with a more cardio-friendly method of settling disputes.

A world record that may stand for awhile

2008-10-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes setting a world record involves years of training, loads of talent and maybe even a little luck.

And other times setting a world record just requires the willingness to stuff a bunch of live insects in your mouth.

See for yourself which categor y Travis Fessler of Florence, Ky., falls into. Who says there is no good news in papers these days?

The strong man of Europe

2008-10-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

We here at Sports Pros(e) like our world leaders to be tough and strong, but are wondering if Vladimir Putin might be going a little overboard.

The former Russian president and puppet master for the guy who currently holds the job, Dimitry Medvedev, is the star of a new DVD whose title translates as "Let's Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin."

This is apparently not Putin's first foray into the martial arts media world. Amazon is selling a paperback version of his judo guide for $18 (marked down from $20). Could be a great stocking stuffer this holiday season for that Russian nationalist/self-defense afficionado on your Christmas list.

This may point the way for other former heads of state looking for ways to raise a little cash after they leave office. We can foresee other such releases, like "Let's Learn Phonics with George Bush."

A Killer Clutch of our own

2008-08-31T17:17:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it, the pro wrestling world is in mourning this weekend after the death of Walter "Killer" Kowalski.

"Killer" was long one of the sport's premier villains, a role he fell into after severing part of rival Yukon Eric's ear during a bout in Montreal in 1954.

Kowalski also was known for creating his signature move, a stomach cruncher known as the "Killer Clutch."

The idea of developing something to be remembered by after one's career is over, in this case, after one's life is over, is intriguing to us here at Sports Pros(e). Our own legacy will not be a wrestling move, however, as we are not the violent type.

Being writers, perhaps a new punctuation mark would be a fitting legacy (especially since I myself have been accused of overusing the ellipses, for example ... maybe I will use more guillemets instead).

Or since we live here on the Interweb, it may be more suitable to come up with a new emoticon. Something to use when you're not cheerful enough to employ the smiley face, yet not downcast enough to go with the frowny face -- something that simply says, "eh."

The Young Jeezy of sports blogs

2008-08-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Here at Sports Pros(e), we are looking to perform at the highest level every time we blog. That naturally requires getting in the proper frame of mind before we embark on each post.

While we are big fans of Okkervil River, especially after the band's stellar set at Lollapalooza, we are thinking that perhaps we should consider a change in our warmup music. After all, if Young Jeezy is good enough for the winningest Olympian of all time, he's good enough for us.

2008-08-19T11:15:00.001-07:00

More fun in the pool

2008-08-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

Perhaps you have had your fill of watching Michael Phelps stockpile more gold than Fort Knox. You've already given up on the Bears and their less-than-effective offensive line.

And you can't really get excited about the pennant races on the north and south sides of town till September.

Yet you are a sports fan and you need your daily fix. What to do?

We at Sports Pros(e) understand your dilemma and offer the perfect solution. Head out to Michigan City, Indiana, Thursday through Sunday to check out the greatest aquatic marvel this side of the Water Cube.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present the amazing, incomparable, death-defying Twiggy the Water Skiing Squirrel.

And the best part: Twiggy performs live, not on NBC time.

Take this medal and ...

2008-08-14T13:10:00.000-07:00

We at Sports Pros(e) don't believe in stereotyping, but it's a historical fact that the Swedes are a peaceable lot. They haven't been involved in a war since Napoleon's day, when pretty much all of Europe was up in arms.

So the whole brouhaha Thursday at the Chinese Agricultural University Gym (apparently the Chinese aren't pioneers in the field of naming rights) caught us a bit off guard.

In case you didn't hear, Sweden's Ara Abrahamian was none too pleased when his dream of a gold medal in Greco-Roman wrestling ended when he lost to Italy's Andrea Minguzzi in the semifinals. Abrahamian had to be held back by teammates from going after the officials, to whom he still gave what for.

Those teammates persuaded Abrahamian to wrestle for the bronze medal, which he won. But he made clear his opinion of the third-place finish (or as we like to call it, "second place for losers") by taking the medal off and dropping it on the mat after leaving the podium.

And there was more: Abrahamian also announced his retirement, saying, "This will be my last match. I wanted to take gold, so I consider this Olympics a failure."

So do fans of real fireworks and live singing, among other things.

Meanwhile, we hear the Minnesota Vikings, having failed to land one formerly retired star, have inquired into Abrahamian's availability.

The old man and the Jets

2008-08-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

Apparently there's a purpose to all those offseason workouts Donald Driver and other NFL players endure every summer while the rest of us are going to Lollapalooza and watching the Olympics.

They are designed, we suppose, to prevent you from getting all tuckered out while your teammates have hardly worked up a sweat in training camp.

Saying his apparently not-so-bionic right arm was "kind of dragging a little bit" after the Jets' morning practice on Wednesday, NFL senior citizen Brett Favre told reporters he would ask coach Eric Mangini if he could limit his throws in the afternoon workout.

We here at Sports Pros(e) sympathize with the future Hall of Famer. We plan to ask the boss if we can limit the number of words we type in each post because our fingers are "kind of dragging a little bit."

Trouble in paradise

2008-08-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

As these games of the 29th Olympiad roll on, we are learning that not all is going according to plan, despite the best efforts of the Chinese to micromanage the living daylights out of everything.

For example, though the Games have been sold out forever, many fans apparently have come disguised as empty seats. This has been blamed on, among other things, the fact that scalping technology in China lags behind what goes on in Wrigleyville.

There are storm clouds on another front as well. On the heels of reports that fireworks were faked for the Opening Ceremony, now we learn that cute little girl singer was pulling a Milli Vanilli during her (not-so-live) performance of "Ode to the Motherland."

All this evidence of trickery and manipulation is distressing to us here at Sports Pros(e). The next thing you know, someone at NBC might decide to mess with the time-space continuum by showing highlights whenever they want instead of airing them live.

(Not) live from Beijing

2008-08-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

You may not have heard, but the hardy folks on the West Coast now have another natural disaster to cope with.

Judging by the comments on the World Wide Web, it is worse than mudslides, earthquakes and the election of a governor whose qualifications primarily consist of him being one tough dude.

The problem is -- brace yourselves -- NBC's decision not to air its primetime coverage of the Beijing Olympics live. Instead, nightly broadcasts will be on a three-hour tape delay for folks along the Pacific rim.

(That is also the scenario in the Mountain Time Zone, but because no one actually lives there, it is not considered a big deal.)

So a lot of people in La-La Land have their shorts in a bunch because they can't see Michael Phelps swim real fast in real time. Never mind that they can watch it live on NBC's Web site and, in any case, one Michael Phelps race pretty much looks like every other one.

No, these people are absolutely outraged about NBC's decision to deny them their inalienable right to watch the U.S. lose in sports they've never heard of (team handball, anyone?) as it happens.

But if they want live TV from NBC, they'll just have to chill till the weekend. Oh wait, "Saturday Night Live" is in reruns till Aug. 30. So much for that idea ...

Going green -- large and green

2008-08-06T17:51:00.001-07:00

We here at Sports Pros(e) are not just sports geeks who sit around all day trying to figure out which one of the Cardinals' closers by committee Tony La Russa will hand the ball to tonight. (Though if you have any inside info on that, please let us know.)

We also are music geeks and are basking in the afterglow of Lolla (as well as three days of sun and not enough SPF 45 in the right places). Besides the awesome sets of Okkervil River, Bloc Party and many more, we were impressed by the fest organizers' commitment to going green with all the recycling containers and whatnot.

So in that spirit, we now dust off a gently used joke and offer it up again ...

The White Sox on Wednesday hosted an appearance by a baby T-Rex to hype the show, "Walking with the Dinosaurs: The Live Experience," which opens an 11-day run at the United Center on Thursday.

Hearing this, we couldn't help but wonder what Carl Everett, who had several tours of duty on the South Side, would make of the whole spectacle. Might it actually turn him into a believer at last?

Carl, the truth is out there. Go find it.

Solzhenitsyn and stolen bases

2008-08-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

We may be mostly concerned with fun and games here at Sports Pros(e), but we are writers after all.

As such, we would be remiss if we did not note the death over the weekend of Alexander Solzhenitsyn, a Nobel Prize-winning author of novels and non-fiction works that exposed the moral bankruptcy of the Soviet state.

Solzhenitsyn's name comes up in any discussion of the giants of 20th century literature. But that is not our concern here; rather, his passing gives us a reason (or an excuse, take your pick) to recall a great bit done years ago by the former ESPNer Roy Firestone.

The premise was that all minor league baseball announcers sound pretty much the same and neither they, their employers nor their listeners realize how surreal their patter can be.

So that's the setup: Firestone's announcer is calling just another game on a night when there's a perhaps not well-conceived promotion and a celebrity visitor in the booth:

"Welcome back, folks. Just a reminder that it's Hard Liquor and Handgun Night here at the ballpark ...

"Fastball low, 1-0.

"And we've got a special guest with us ...

"Curveball, swung on and missed, evens the count at 1-and-1.

"Alexander Solzhenitsyn ...

"There's a grounder up the middle, it gets through for a base hit."

"So Alex, congrats on your new book ...

"There's a throw over to first, the runner's back in time."

"Which I was looking through during the break ...

"Fastball, just caught the outside corner, 0-and-1.

"Yes, folks, it's called 'Gulag Archipelago.' And, if you don't mind my saying so, Alex, it's pretty grim stuff."

"Changeup way outside, 1-and-1."

And so on.

The routine predates YouTube, unfortunately, so we can't link to it in all its glory. But it was funny, trust us.

Maybe not Nobel Prize-winning comedic, but good enough to make us Sports Pros(e)rs laugh. And we are a tough crowd.

Junior achievement

2008-07-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

A lot of people, myself included, who aren't crazy about Barry Bonds being the all-time home run king like to take solace in the fact that A-Rod should eventually claim the record for himself.

But whenever I hear someone go on about the inevitability of this, I have to shake my head and think of the guy who is coming to the Cell.

Step into the time machine and dial it back to late 2000. Limp Bizkit's "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water" tops the charts and no one in America knows what a chad is -- hanging, dimpled or otherwise. Ken Griffey Jr., who will turn 31 in a few weeks, has 438 career home runs. Barry Bonds is more than five years older at 36 and just 56 homers ahead of Junior.

Obviously, Griffey is on his way to overtaking Bonds and eventually passing Hank Aaron for No. 1 all-time, right?

Well, no.

Bonds goes out and belts 73 dingers in 2001 while Griff begins a run of injury-plagued years, hitting just 22 in 111 games. Bonds goes on to deposit dozens more baseballs in McCovey Cove, break the record and eventually head into an unplanned retirement (Position Wanted: DH. Will supply own body armor, prescriptions).

Junior, meanwhile, just keeps plugging away when he's healthy. Earlier this season he passed the 600-homer mark and his next long ball will tie him with another guy whose stats are, shall we say, a bit suspect.

The morale of this story is there are no guarantees in life for Griffey, A-Rod or anyone else. But baseball is a funny game. Though this is his 20th big league season, Griffey still is just 37. In the five years after he turned 38, Bonds hit 149 homers; if Griffey can manage to stay healthy, be equally productive and wants to play that long, he could catch Bonds after all. It's admittedly a long shot, but the odds don't seem much longer than they were on Griffey enduring one injury after another once the new millennium rolled around.

But the remote prospect that he might make that kind of history isn't the only reason to roll out the welcome mat for Junior. His stats are all-natural, honestly achieved in an era of whispers and doubts, and he always has played the game in the moment -- crashing into outfield walls to make a catch in a 6-0 game in September rather than dialing it back a bit to make sure he doesn't get hurt.

The Sox have brought in a few future Hall of Famers late in their careers; sometimes it works out well (Tom Seaver won his 300th game in a Sox uniform) and sometimes it doesn't (Steve Carlton was so-so).

But this deal has tremendous upside potential written all over it. Griffey is a class act, a considerable upgrade in center field and a still-dangerous hitter. Someday he'll be in Cooperstown. But for now, he looks pretty good on the South Side.

Zen and the art of managing

2008-07-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

Someone famously said once it's not easy being green, but it's never been an issue for Major League Baseball ...

Big league teams have been in the forefront of the environmental movement for years, recycling players and managers like no one's business ...

White Sox fans fondly recall the annual summer ritual of trading for Sandy Alomar Jr. and Carl Everett, the noted amateur paleontologist ...

Then there was George Steinbrenner, the eco-friendly Yankees owner, who employed Billy Martin as his manager no less than five different times (when Martin wasn't off managing the Twins, Tigers, Rangers or A's) ...

Hiring a slightly used manager doesn't always work, but every once in a while teams catch lightning in a bottle by picking up someone off the scrap heap ...

Take Jerry Manuel, who has taken the previously dysfunctional Mets to the top of the NL East in the few weeks since he was promoted from the coaching staff to replace Willie Randolph ...

White Sox fans recall Manuel as the horn-rimmed glasses-wearing guy who won the division in 2000 only to be swept out of the playoffs by some fella named Lou ...

He is also remembered for his surreal state of calm, which is why the Google search "Jerry Manuel Zen" produces 1,970 hits. Many reference his somewhat opaque explanations of garden-variety baseball situations, like this one ...

It's hard to maintain that attitude in the City That Never Sleeps, which might explain why Manuel has already threatened to "go gangster" on temperamental shortstop Jose Reyes ...

But the smart money is on Manuel maintaining his serenity now and forever ...

Pack up your stuff, we're moving

2008-07-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday morning, everyone. You're probably not wondering why the updates have been coming with Ron Karkovice-like speed around here lately. But I'm going to tell you anyway.
Sports Pros(e) is jumping right from the Double-A ball world to the big leagues.

Soon -- maybe even this afternoon -- we're taking this show to the Sun-Times Web site and never looking back. Updates to come as details become more readily available. Feel free to continue your patronage as we promise we won't get too corporate.

Believe it or not, George isn't at home

2008-07-19T10:08:00.000-07:00

Back on the Sun-Times Full Court Press board today. Everyone loves a Samuel L. Jackson reference, right?

Friday's Signs of the Times

2008-07-18T07:27:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write:

Of all the headaches that come with riding the 'L', a so-called controversial ad campaign certainly ranks pretty low on the list.

Let's make sure we jinx this Cubs-White Sox thing.

Something tells me there's going to be lots of comments on this story.

Weight, really?

2008-07-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

I don't care what you planned to talk about today, but you can go ahead and forget it. There is absolutely no way it's as interesting as a man bench-pressing 645 pounds. I'm no mathemagician, but that sure seems like a good deal of weight. Heck, even Pat Robertson probably finds this impressive.

Sexson the City

2008-07-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

In early March I took the only vacation of my work career to Washington state. Between the time spent out in Olympia National Forest and climbing Mt. St. Helens, there was very little time for me to be preoccupied with sports. I deserved five days off from worrying about whether Indiana deserved an 8-seed or a 9-seed in the NCAA Tournament -- after all this was vacation.

But, there is of course always the local residents volleying about the morning sports headlines over a coffee and a doughnut at the nearest greasy spoon cafe. It didn't take much seeking out and it certainly didn't take long for me to ascertain that the good people of the Pacific Northwest just didn't really care for Richie Sexson at all.

Fans of varying degrees of sports knowledge informed me that he (1) struck out an obscene amount, (2) made an equally obscene amount of money and (3) that the Sonics weren't going anywhere on their watch. Well, turns out they were right on two of three accounts.

Sexson was 6-feet-8 inches of unmet expectations. And instead of wearing out opposing pitchers, he's wearing a well-trod path between the batter's box and the dugout from all the strikeouts. That's why today's move by the New York Yankees reeks of desperation. It's almost like the most storied and revered franchise -- or so they market themselves -- has gone from having the Derek Jeteresque pick of the free agent litter to your overzealous friend from work who cruises 4 a.m. bars looking for anyone who will have him.

That, like a Richie Sexon 0-2 hack at a curveball in the dirt, is just all-around ugly.

Trade waters heating up

2008-07-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

The Philadelphia Phillies today made a trade with the Oakland A's acquiring innin eaters Joe Blanton for 3 prospects. As of this evening the Phillies hold a slim .5 game lead over the resurgent New York Mets. This move helps the Phillies as it shores up a starting rotation that ranks 10th in baseball in E.R.A. and quality starts. The Phillies now have an adequate pitching staff that should allow them to stay in the race in the N.L. East until the end of the season.

Will this move be the move to keep the Phillies ahead of the Mets? I doubt it -- unless Steve Carlton wants to pull a Brett Favre and unretire. The Mets will pass the Phillies and win the division by at least 5 games.

Meanwhile in Detroit, a certain reliever is being told to other teams by the Tigers that he is available in deals and his initials aren't T.J.. Fernando Rodney, yes the guy who wears a crooked hat and is injury-prone, is on the block per John Paul Morosi of the Detroit Free Press. Does this mean that the Tigers are going to be sellers instead of buyers in the next two weeks? I personally doubt that, but Rodney is of no use to a team with an already shaky bullpen. Since he has returned from the DL his stats are more like a rookie then a seasoned veteran whom some considered could be in line to close once Todd Jones retires or leaves via free agency or a trade. Trading F. Rodney could be the first of many moves for the paper champion Tigers, a team that was destined for a thousand runs, as Gary Sheffield and Edgar Renteria could be traded in attempt to get the teams younger players more time in the field.

Of the Tigers remaing games before the trade deadline, 14 to be exact, 11 of these are on the road. While they are currently 7 games out, how they perform in those 14 games will determine how the teams look on August 1st and my Chicago White Sox more then likely won't be losing any ground to the Tigers as they and the Twins battle it out for the Central title and possibly the Wild Card.

Thursday's Signs of the Times

2008-07-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

Oh, Jesse. Haven't you learned anything from watching catchers talk to their pitchers? Never let the opponent know what you're really saying.

I've always thought it was just too much of a convenience. Luckily it looks like the CTA agrees with me.

Greg Couch calls a foul on NBA referees.

Wednesday's Signs of the Times

2008-07-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write:

Mayor Daley not exactly loving the media.

I just can't seem to get away from Kevin Jones. As a Detroit Lions apologist I must warn you that he's not exactly Gale Sayers out there, but he immediately jumps to the top of the Chicago sports world mohawk standings.

Cleveland rocks all races equally.

All's well that ends well into the night

2008-07-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

Well, that was close.

We were treated to something special in New York as the venerable old cathedral that is Yankee Stadium refused to go quietly into the night. A game that used to be a harmless exhibition -- save for when an over-caffeinated Pete Rose ruined the career of one Ray Fosse-- took on a tenor of great importance as the night faded into early morning and the teams played a game of who wants it less.

Bereft of any pitching in reserves, managers Terry Francona and Clint Hurdle found themselves in positions as uncomfortable as anyone probably feels around Dan Uggla right now. We teetered on the blink of a cataclysmic no-decision, a tie that would have sullied baseball's reputation so much more than the 2002 snafu. And then, graciously, Michael Young's sacrifice fly to right field scored a sliding and unabashedly Canadian Justin Morneau from third base to give the American League a 4-3 victory in 15 innings. Baseball, it seems, found a way to preserve itself yet again.

Tonight was just another reminder that this game -- one that is truly American in orgin and resilient in nature -- will not allow itself to die. The Black Sox scandal of 1919. Rosters depleted by war during the 1940s. Institutionalized racism that robbed ballplayers the chance to play on the game's biggest stage. The strikes of 1981 and 1994. The All-Star game that didn't have a winner in Milwaukee. Sterioids. Nothing it seems can keep our American pastime from adapting in new environments and thriving in the face of adversity.

The most important thing about tonight's close call with mayhem is that it didn't happen. We'll always remember how close it came to uncharted waters when a decision would have had to been made that would have been analyzed for decades. Seriously, what do you do when there's no one left to pitch in a game that now counts for so much? You call upon those all-knowing baseball gods to provide an answer.

"We were told the game would find a way to finish itself," National League manager Clint Hurdle said after the game, sounding very much like Dr. Ian Malcolm in 'Jurassic Park.' This type of whimsical fantasy could easily be dismissed out of hand by cynics, but after seeing the game of baseball overcome obstacle after obstacle in a dynamic world I'm not so sure he isn't on to something there. And nowhere else do the ghosts of baseball past reside so prominently than the House that Ruth built.

Whether you buy this bill of mystical goods or not and whether or not you went to bed before his installment of the mid-summer classic was decided or if you stayed to the end, these 30-some hours in New York have been an unbelievably ride. Josh Hamilton's Home Run Derby coming out party sent chills down my spine as I watched a reformed man stand on baseball's most hallowed ground and shine in a way no one ever has before. And tonight's epic marathon is certainly the most nerve-wracking All-Star game in history, replete with all the nervous energy that came with not knowing if this would be the sport's biggest black eye in years or just another tour de force of drama.

Thankfully, it was just the latter.

Ichiro will address you now

2008-07-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

You got to love Ichiro. Heck, I've always supported people with one name.

The wiry, cannon-for-an-arm right fielder apparently has another skill besides the brilliant ones he showcases on the field. That's right. Public speaking.

Evidently this profanity-laced tirade works, too. Since 2001, the year Ichiro made his All-Star game debut, his American League team has won every game except for the one we don't talk about. Who knew cursing like a sailor translated directly into inside-the-park homers?

This isn't even the best Ichiro story out there. He's also the author of the one of the best quotes in sports history. When asked about facing fellow countryman Daisuke Matsuzaka last season, he offered this gem:

"I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul," he says. "I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger."

You just don't hear that enough these days.

Tuesday on your TV

2008-07-15T13:56:00.001-07:00

Nate McLouth, the hard-hitting center fielder from the Pittsburgh Pirates, is really living my dream. We're about the same age, grew up around the same area and both dreamed of playing in the major leagues. But while he'll be in Yankee Stadium with the eyes of the world on him, I'll be playing rec-league basketball on a court that's not even regulation size. This depressing story shouldn't keep you from tuning into the mid-summer classic, though. (8 p.m., FOX)

In other things-Adam Sandler-might-be-interested-in news, 'Grandma's Boy' will be offered. (7, 9 p.m., FX) So wildly inappropriate on some many levels and across so many generations.

All-Star game already a save situation?

2008-07-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

Jonathan Papelbon announced today that he thinks he has earned the right to throw the 9th inning for the American League in tonight's All-Star game. In a rare sneak peak into Papelbon's fantasy baseball strategy, he boldly claimed that if he were managing, he would give himself the nod. Someone needs to find Mr. Papelbon a map so he can be shown where the game is being played tonight. Even if Papelbon's puckered-lip stare down technique might have mowed down the National Leaguers last fall, Terry Francona better hit the "easy button" on this decision and give Rivera the ball - save situation or not - or you will hear boos for the first time in an All-Star game since Bud Selig cut short a classic.

Apparently, Papelbon gets the idea now.

That's like six innings of work for A-Rod

2008-07-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

Where was Sports Pros(e) contributor Mike Clark on this one? After displaying unabashed love for the Bambino in a recent column you'd think owning one of Ruth's sweat-stained hats would be a top priority.

The winning bid of $328,000 seems a bit steep to someone who makes about 1/9th of that per year. Mike Clark probably makes close to this though. The author can only imagine a wealthy publishing tycoon sent a proxy to bid on the item with a strict spending limit that got thrown out the window when the heiress to the Oh Henry! candy bar fortune made it a personal competition.

Tuesday's Signs of the Times

2008-07-15T06:39:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

If you missed Josh Hamilton's unbelievably memorable display at the Home Run Derby last night, Jay Mariotti explains why this is such a remarkable story.

The Jersey Boys: Give them carcinogens or give them death.

Oh, OK. This article is not what I thought it was going to be about at all.

Finally, another Packer makes news

2008-07-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

Come out from hiding under your tables, America. Billy Packer's 27-year reign of terror at CBS is over. But the author isn't doing any back flips over the replacement, Clark Kellogg. That in-studio show with Kellogg and Seth Davis is usually a nice segue into an afternoon nap.

During the Big Ten Tournament, the author and some buddies developed the Billy Packer Drinking Game, a patent-pending event that focused on imbibing when the color commentator either contradicted himself, said something blatantly inaccurate or said something critical. This all led to very hazy second half recollections of the Michigan State-Wisconsin game.

Maybe the only positive in all of this is that it gives CBS a distinct height advantage in the paint. Kellogg's 6-7 frame complements the 6-9 Jim Nantz nicely on the low blocks.

Perhaps the moment the author will most remember Packer for was his high-five to Patrick Sparks in the 2005 NCAA Regional Final. Watch closely, that hand you see belongs to Packer.

Author powerless to Home Run Derby apathy

2008-07-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

The author hopes to one day live in a world where there are Situational Hitting Derbys. He fantasizes about watching Placido Polanco go head-to-head with Tadahito Iguchi, trading soft ground balls to the right side of the infield. In this brave new time the new phrase "Is it deep enough to score Ramirez from third.....it might be...it could be...it's a sac fly!!!" would emanate from an over-enthused Chris Berman as a nation-wide audience tuned in.

But, here in the present, there are only Home Run Derbys. Tonight the house that Ruth (and honest union workers) built will host the annual big-dudes-teeing-off-on-batting-practice fastballs-as-fans-assault-each-other-for practice-balls-jamboree. Now, the Derby has grown from humble beginnings to get where it is today. Check out this 1959 clip of Mickey Mantle taking on Willie Mays, back when the winner got $2,000 for their efforts. Some Manhattan-ite is going to drop that on a luxury box tonight.

Hey! Wait a minute! Some of those cut scenes seemed a little fake. Come to think of it: so did the sound effects. Aww, shucks Mick. You wouldn't pull a fast one on the ol' author would you? By the way, Seven would be a great name for a boy...or a girl...especially a girl...or a boy. Sort of like a living tribute.

Back to present day. Here's Philadelphia Phillies slugger/strikeout enthusiast Ryan Howard hitting spheres into a body of water.

Ryan Howard's Home Run Derby
Uploaded by Dye23Productions2

The author just can't seem to get into this. He's tried. It just strikes him as one of those things that sounds like a great idea on paper but just fails to elicit any type of emotion when it's played out in real life. Really the only interesting thing is watching the longballs bounce off interesting stuff, but anyone over the age of 13 gets over that pretty quickly. Part of him wishes they could somehow revert back to the original dimensions of Yankee Stadium. How great would it be to watch ball after ball fall harmlessly short of that 490-foot marker in left center?

For the record, the author is picking Chase Utley to win, but wants to point out that we all lose if at any point a "Josh Hamilton tattooed that one" comment is made.

Packers fans just not over Brett yet

2008-07-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

Sports are all about rallies.

There's the rally cap. The rally monkey. The rallying cry.

Then there are the moments where teammates, fans or an organization rally around a cause. That's exactly what some hardy souls up in Green Bay did today. Video of the rally looks (Editor's Note: this would sure be a good place to link to the video) suspiciously like it was just an excuse to tailgate in Lambeau Field's parking lot.

The most interesting thing to the author is that not every Cheesehead Dick and Jane want Favre back.

"In a poll on the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's Web site, 47.2 percent of fans said they wanted Favre to play for the Packers next season and 46.5 percent said he should ''retire already.'' Only 6.3 percent of the 17,000-plus fans who voted in the poll as of Sunday afternoon wanted to see Favre play for another team."

Who knew Packers fans were so into fatal attraction? If they can't have Brett, then no one can!

I almost made a huge mistake

2008-07-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Bears tickets went on sale yesterday and the other author continued what has now become a 28-year tradition.

He didn't buy any.

Though he's been to Soldier Field on multiple occasions, the other author has never been there to watch his hometown football team.

When he tells people this, it elicits one of two reactions: Shocked horror from those who have and a 'ho-hum, me neither' from those who haven't.

In 2008 it wasn't for lack of trying. The other author logged on to Ticketmaster -- who, by the way, he's never considered to be a very kind master -- to purchase tickets promptly at the time they went on sale. Not sure if it was a lack of foresight or if it's just impossible to get the point driven through the other author's skull, but Bears tickets are really really ridiculously expensive -- $245 apiece were the cheapest.

The other author could, truth be told, only can afford one ticket. Unfortunately, he hates going to events where rabid fans lurk by himself.

Here's the thing the other author is having a tough time reconciling about the Bears. His love of the team is based largely on the experience he had as a five-year-old wide-eyed scamp cheering the '85 club to a 46-10 Super Bowl victory over the Patriots on January 26, 1986. The other author had the helmet, the No. 34 jersey, the punky QB shades and even an autograph from backup QB Steve Fuller. Hell, the other author still has the Super Bowl Shuffle memorized and may or may not occasionally get asked to perform it drunkenly at family gatherings. Indeed, the mid-80s were an exciting time to be alive. It was assumed in the mind of the other author that the Bears were perennial winners -- the Yankees or Celtics of the NFL.

But in reality, this is poised to be another in a long and exhausting line of rebuilding years for the Chicago Bears. Sure, there was that mildly exciting jab at the championship a couple years ago where Peyton Manning reminded the world that he's Peyton Manning and we all are not. But in the end, there's nothing to indicate that this will be anything more than another wildly yawn-inducing season.

Then again, my 29th birthday's in October. Don't I owe it to myself to try something new, break out of my shell a bit and watch a Bears game live at Soldier Field the way any true fan would?

But $245? That's a lot of scratch for a yawn and a memory that will never come close to being five years old and believing the Bears would never let you down.

Author on MSM assignment

2008-07-13T01:08:00.000-07:00

Kudos to Mike Clark on a post about Barry Bonds that managed to steer clear of the phrase "Bar-oid" and was refreshingly light on shrunken testicle jokes. Please check out the author's guest post over on the Sun-Times Full Court Press blog. And, before we go any further, Harden needs a nickname. The author proposes "The Missing Link." Not so much because of #40 resemblance to a hominid (for the record: he's a fine looking young man), but because Cub nation is banking on him being the bridge to get them over 100 years of troubled water.

No welcome mat for Barry

2008-07-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

One of the things we love about Ozzie Guillen -- apart from that little trinket he brought back to Armour Square a few years ago -- is his willingness to honestly answer any question put to him ...

On Friday, Ozzie addressed the subject of whether the Sox would pursue the currently unemployed Barry Bonds should Jim Thome go down with an injury. The short answer is: Not in this lifetime ...

After saying a couple of times "Barry can't play for my club," Ozzie apparently tries to soften the message a bit by calling Bonds "to me, the best in the history of baseball, no matter what" ...

Uh, not so much ...

The best player in baseball history -- and no one else is in the same ballpark, so to speak -- was a guy who batted .342 with 714 homers, a .690 slugging percentage and a 1.164 OPS (those last two are major league records). Oh, and he was also 94-46 as a pitcher with a 2.28 ERA. You might have heard of him: George Herman Ruth Jr. ...

After the Babe, you could make a pretty good case for Willie Mays, for his combination of power, speed and defense, or Ted Williams. Who knows what kind of numbers Teddy Ballgame could have put up had he not missed three full seasons serving in World War II, as well as most of two more for a second military stint during the Korean War?

So Barry's not the best of all time and he's not the best fit for the Sox. What is he? Some -- OK, many -- would say he's the worst thing to happen to the game since the Black Sox scandal. To me, Bonds' story is less a national (pastime) tragedy -- the game will survive, it always has -- than a personal one ...

Because if what we all suspect is true -- that he built his legacy on a foundation of chemical enhancement -- Bonds is facing a lot bigger problems down the road than being unable to find a DH gig in the American League. Nine years ago, I talked to a former minor leaguer who used anabolic steroids. You can see for yourself what they did for his career -- and his life ...

Is the price Bonds paid for his success worth it? Only he can answer that question ...

Anyone want to see 'Beverly Hills Cop' after the game?

2008-07-12T08:50:00.001-07:00

Just when you thought the author couldn't be more Cubs-centric today he points out that ESPN Page 2's Jonah Keri has an interesting piece grading out this year's National League on a scale from Ron Cey to Richie Hebner.

It's always a little sad to see a retired player's good name sullied by having it equated to the most dysfunctional team in baseball. Can't we just leave these guys alone already? More importantly, why rile up someone who looks like this?

Apparently Harry Caray broadcast the entire 1984 campaign from the right field bleachers with a beer in one hand and a giant fishing net in the other. Skeptical?

Hard-ly another start for Rich

2008-07-12T08:21:00.000-07:00

Rise and shine Northsiders. Today is the coronation of the man on which the hopes of the most miserable franchise in sports rides as Rich Harden takes the hill at Wrigley Field. Get ready for everything to get blown way out of proportion based on one singular outing in mid-July.

Harden is 2-0 with a 0.84 ERA in his career against the limp-wristed San Francisco Giants and looks to continue his dominance against the National League. With the Cubs enjoying a 4.5 game lead in the NL Central, finishing the first half strong on the strength of the new golden boy would provide a nice boost going into the All-Star break.

Saturday's Signs of the Times

2008-07-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

Barack Obama's fund-raiser goes a little Don Imus, thanks to Mr. 3000.

A baseball-loving youngster in attending his first major league baseball game at Wrigley Field with his father. This story doesn't have a happy ending.

Beach volleyball fever sweeps the city.

Louis Vuitton the preferred brand for indentured servants

2008-07-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

The author would trade places with Cristiano Ronaldo in a heartbeat. He's widely recognized as the world's top footballer, makes $12.3 million a year and comes home to this every evening. But, evidently he's being treated like a slave.

Yeah, good point. The author minored in history and can't seem to recall any slaves he's heard about having it quite that bad. Ronaldo and FIFA president Sepp Blatter would be well-served to observe how overly-dramatic, overtly offensive comparisons have worked out for Jemele Hill and Bonnie Bernstein recently.

Minor league skippers having major meltdowns

2008-07-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

It seems that the requirements to be a minor league manager have evolved to include possessing the capacity to make an absolute fool of one's self and end up on 'SportsCenter.' The latest in what has become a trend of memorable managerial blowups took place Wednesday in the American Association. Here's Wichita Wingnuts skipper Kash Beauchamp reacting to a call he didn't like:

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Here's Asheville Tourists manager Joe Mikulik expressing his displeasure with a call last summer:

And then on to the author's personal favorite -- Phil Wellman of the Mississippi Braves just losing his mind two years ago:

These clips are wildly entertaining, but when you step back and realize that these are the actions of grown men charged with being the leader of a group of young men it just seems kind of silly. Try and translate this behavior to any other situation in life. Don't like they way your hamburger was prepared? Just go berserk in the middle of the restuarant! Someone cut you off on your morning commute? Smash their car with a hammer.

C'mon. Argue a call and get your money's worth. But don't stoop down to the behavior of a toddler.

Friday's Signs of the Times

2008-07-11T08:33:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

The other author was up bright and early and at the Apple store on Michigan Avenue as the new iPhone was introduced. Editor & Publisher really seemed to enjoy his sense of humor.

Jay Mariotti has the White Sox' back...for now.

We here at Sports Pros(e) love us some 'Guitar Hero,' but this review isn't exactly glowing.

Shameless self-promotion

2008-07-10T21:43:00.000-07:00

The author is absolutely positive none of you has heard of Lacona. But he's really looking to change that. Supporting local music is so trendy.

Thursday on your TV

2008-07-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

While the author tries to make sense of this mess, the rest of you can tune into watch the seemingly unstoppable White Sox take on the Kansas City Royals. KC starter Zack Greinke is outstanding when toeing the rubber at home (3-0, 2.57 ERA) this season, but hasn't been good at all against the White Sox (2-7 career record) at all.

If you live on the North side and love forced references to local landmarks and totally unrealistic representations of Chicago Sun-Times sportswriters (all of these right up the author's alley), check out 'My Boys' on TBS. Tonight's episode: "Andy goes out of his way to prove he's not having an affair with a woman at work; Bobby's family gets in the way of his wedding; Kenny keeps on winning despite all the odds; everyone picks out references to themselves in Stephanie's book."

Jim Gaffigan plays Andy in this program and it's an absolute shame to see a brilliant comic handcuffed by run-of-the-mill jokes you can see coming a mile away. The man is from Indiana, is deathly pale and has an obsession with food. That's what we call a three-tool player in the industry.

Is Teddy finally going to Du-pay for his actions?

2008-07-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

Former University of Florida basketball player Teddy Dupay might be able to add felony rape and kidnapping to his rap sheet that already consists of alleged NCAA gambling violations and on-court mugging.

The author spends most of year being educated that we're all innocent until proven guilty, but the victim's injuries - two fractured ribs, bruises on her arm, shoulder and thigh, a swollen left eye and scratches on her back - don't sound like the result of Teddy being "a little rough," as he admits to authorities. But, anyone willing to associate romantically for two years with Teddy Dupay might be into things I don't care to discuss openly.

Matt Jones kind of acting like a Jag

2008-07-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

Riding home from work on the 'L' last week, the author was subjected to an unbelievably in-depth re-creation of a Saturday Night Live skit featuring the wildly overrated Will Farrell hawking the Jaguar line at a bar to an attractive young woman. In addition to being very annoying and far too loud and boisterous for a rush hour Brown Line train, it was just poorly executed. Here's the real sketch, which is actually not funny at all:

Not even one laugh in those four minutes to be had. But it's still funnier than today's Jaguar-related news that's coming in. Matt Jones, a former Arkansas quarterback turned Jacksonville wide receiver, gets busted for cutting up cocaine with a credit card in his car back in Fayetteville, Ark. Then owner Wayne Weaver has to issue a public statement reassuring fans that the team isn't going to go all Seattle Sonics on them.

The lesson in all this: enjoy the mildly luxurious things in life, like pro football, but avoid the extremely luxurious cocaine lifestyle.

Thursday's Signs of the Times

2008-07-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

The debate over who is 'Chicago's Top Dog' is finally resolved. Now we can start focusing on more important things.

Yet another celebrity couple comes up with a ridiculous name for their poor child.

The only team that's going to stop the White Sox this year is the White Sox.

Crews hope to do a grrrrrrrreat job destroying memories

2008-07-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

As the demolition begins on the old Tiger Stadium the other author would like to extend his heartfelt sympathies to the author.

And before they go getting all stadium-is-older-than-thou on the rest of the league Cub fans should accept the fact that Wrigley Field will one day be torn down. Sadly, it will take a catastrophe -- perhaps an errant brick falling from the rafters onto the unsuspecting skull of an inebriated soul or some other spiteful act of a vengeful God.

The other author hopes this doesn't happen.

But the more the other author thinks about it, the more he realizes that baseball is probably pretty low on God's list of priorities.

As it should be. As it should be.

Cuauhtemoc Blano has Fire-y temper

2008-07-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

Hey, if the referee is just going to be stumbling around drunk, Chicago Fire midfielder Cuauhtemoc Blanco is going to take advantage of the situation. Good for him. You don't hear enough about a well-executed gouging these days.

This guy is gonna regret this Sooner or later

2008-07-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

You live in Texas, but you love the Nebraska Cornhuskers. You're a Tom Osborne supporter and you don't think that Lawrence Phillips was that bad of guy. You just can't wait for college football season. But how should express this desire? What would show the world you're passionate and clever and that Big Red's going to run all over Oklahoma this year? The obvious answer: make up a fake story about some 19-year-old kids you've never met getting busted for dealing cocaine.

Drunk ref makes people think about Belarus for first time in years

2008-07-09T21:33:00.000-07:00

The author purchased FIFA 2008 for Playstation 3 a couple of weeks ago. He's very happy with the game play, the graphics are outstanding and the stable of international leagues and players is comprehensive. There's really just one flaw. You can't make the referee officiate like he's drunk.

After watching this video, it seems watching Belarusians play football would make the ref want to buy an IPOD, not abuse alcohol.

Wednesday on your TV

2008-07-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

Michigan State alum and former staff ace Mark Mulder returns to the mound tonight in Philadelphia, and ESPN will have their cameras there to document the momentous occasion. It's been over two years since Mulder last won a big league game. The author doubts the Phillies crowd will give him a hard time though. They seem like nice people.

In other drunken violent programming, one of the Real World cast members gets himself into a little situation at a nightclub in tonight's episode:
"Back in Hollywood at a dance club, Dave talks to a girl and gets body-slammed from behind by her over-possessive boyfriend, and as two of his friends join in, Will, Brianna and Nick step up to even the odds and save him from a beating."

Adam Jones loves that nightclub.

CentSports.com lets you gamble on their dime

2008-07-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

Apparently, you no longer need Gray's Sports Almanac for risk-free sports gambling. Bankrolled by several big (and small) name advertisers, Centsports.com gives each registered user a free 10 cents and lets would be Biff Tannens gamble on a variety of sporting events. Using a legal loophole to evade U.S. anti-gambling laws, Centsports is 100% legal, but at no time can users deposit any of their own money.

In an interview with Forbes Magazine, CEO Victor Palmer joked, "Congress assumes if you’re dumb enough to give away money, then go for it."

Users can cash out if their account reaches $20. Even if you get risky and break the bank taking the Cubs -1.5 against Johan Santana and his disgusting circle change , you just start right over again with a fresh new dime.

Victors nailed hard

2008-07-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

Not the best day for the University of Michigan football program. First, newly-appointed head coach/spread offense guru Rich Rodriguez wrote a $4 million check to West Virginia University. Then, running back Kevin Grady was in a Grand Rapids court pleading not guilty to drunk driving charges.

The author is no mathematician, but a blood-alcohol level of .281 is like 3.5 times the legal limit in the mitten state. And $4 million seems like an awfully expensive "sorry for screwing you over" penalty to shell out. Not exactly the behavior of Michigan men.

Hammond man way too into this Final Vote business

2008-07-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

A man from Hammond, Ind. really, really wants to see Jermaine Dye in that All-Star Game. Get your life in order, man. Dye probably doesn't want to go as badly as you want him to.

Wednesday's Signs of the Times

2008-07-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

Gotham is absolutely tingling with anticipation for the latest Batman movie. Evidently Heath Ledger turns in one of the great performances of our generation as the Joker.

Barack Obama has an interesting way of grounding his children. What did I tell you about speaking with Chris Matthews?! This is why we can't have nice things.

A computer program breaks down the big National League Central trades made this week.

Are you a Nats fan? Do you own a television? Well, have I got a deal for you ...

2008-07-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

There's news from Washington this morning. Seems Washingtonians don't like their baseball team -- at least not enough to watch it on television, according to the Washington Post. Today's article reveals perhaps the most embarrassing statistic in baseball today -- that the Nationals average only 9,000 viewers per broadcast. And the majority of those 9,000 disenfranchised souls think they're watching C-Span.

The article goes on to state that the Kansas City Royals have the second-lowest viewing audience, which is still three times as large as that of the Nationals (The Fightin' Nats!). You can blame whoever or whatever you want, but no one has ever given a viable excuse for losing at anything to the Royals.

Now, I'm no getpeopletowatchyourprogramatologist, but if I were running things over there in Washington I'd spice it up a bit. Add a few bells, maybe a whistle or two and perhaps a How Far Did It Fly or or something of its ilk. I also hear winning helps.

Return of The Big Show

2008-07-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

Hi, it's the other other author here with his first post. I was all set to go on about Alejandro Escovedo's smoking set at Taste the other day (and his excellent new disc, 'Real Animal') and probably still will at some point. But then news intervened and I figured, better weigh in on the biggest reunion since the Police -- which didn't work out so well except for all that money they made from people who still remember their show at old Comiskey ...

I am referring, of course, to the newest incarnation of The Big Show, as Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann so modestly dubbed their run on SportsCenter back in the '90s. They will be part of the increasingly unwieldy coverage team for NBC's 'Sunday Night Football' ...

This is, I think, a good move for all concerned. Keith's evolution from a guy who only used to get worked up about the fact that Pete Browning isn't in the Hall of Fame to the Bill O'Reilly of the left is kinda sad. If you're going to be a one-trick pony, better you're ripping HOF voters for ignoring Buck O'Neil when he was alive than going all pit bull on Ann Coulter ... or trying to do both in almost the same breath ...

As for Dan, it was almost time to put his face on a milk carton, wasn't it? The guy used to be everywhere: on SportsCenter, at the World Series, the Super Bowl and even the Winter Olympics (biathlon, anyone?). And then he decided he didn't want to work so much. The last time I checked, he was doing a sports talk show that I don't listen to because, well, it's sports talk, and writing a Q&A that Sports Illustrated likes to hide among the 25 pages of ads at the front of the mag ...

So welcome back to the spotlight, Dan. And here's a piece of advice: Don't bring up politics with Keith and the new gig will work out just fine ...

D-Train of self-destruction rolls on

2008-07-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the good people of Milwaukee welcomed a fun-loving, tilted-hat-donning left-handed pitcher to town. Everyone up there in the cultural Mecca of Wisconsin seems to be pretty happy about it. What could possibly go wrong with acquiring someone like that?

Book Room: Andy Roddick Beat Me With a Frying Pan -- Taking the Field with Pro Athletes and Olympic Legends to Answer Sports Fans' Burning Questions

2008-07-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

While we here at Sports Pros(e) don't read as much as we probably should, every now and again a book will stimulate our minds so much we have to brag to others that we have, in fact, read a book recently.

You know that friend who is always making wild and boisterous claims? The one who says he could play in the WNBA or that LeBron James would make an excellent NFL wide receiver? Well, you've probably called him out on one of his hair-brained theses before and that escalated to a passionate debate. Those shouting matches never get anywhere because neither of you has James' phone number on speed dial or has any way of getting in touch with Detroit Shock head coach Bill Laimbeer. Wouldn't it be great if some guy with access to these athletes wrote a book about these fun little arguments, along the way providing some intriguing answers?

Done. Thank you so much, Todd Gallagher.

The author first discovered this book on a table of giveaway books at the office. The title caught his attention so he cracked it open to a passage discussing the likelihood that an all-midget baseball team would be a dominant offensive force. Two hours later he was getting a very interesting take on the athletic ability of female athletes. Warning: feminists will not like Gallagher's conclusion.

ARBMWAFP is irreverent, easy-to-read and appropriately snarky. There's enough self- deprecating humor to break up the stats and it's fascinating to get inside the mind of a pro athlete. These guys are so intense, so focused on winning that they take even the silliest challenge like it's a World Series game. It makes the reader appreciate the mental preparation it takes to be elite at a sport.

Author's rating: 4 out of 5 bookmarks.

Tuesday on your TV

2008-07-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

It's really not fair of Major League Baseball to ask the Cincinnati Reds to play against the National League All-Stars, but that Bud Selig is a man who gets what he wants. The author promises you'll find no better match-up between red-bearded starting pitchers. Why hasn't Aaron Harang-atang caught on as a nickname yet?

Tonight's Law & Order: SVU repeat: Engineer Merritt Rook (guest star Robin Williams) plays dangerous mind games with his followers putting Detective Benson's life at risk in SVU's 200th episode. Robin Willams could definitely be a cult leader. Who could resist that arm hair?

A vote for Jason is a vote for America

2008-07-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

In perhaps the biggest mustachioed political news in New York since Bill the Butcher was running for office, the American Mustache Institute is backing Jason Giambi in the American League All-Star Final Vote campaign. No word yet on who the author's father, who has sported a mustache since 1970, is supporting.

Tuesday's Sign of the Times

2008-07-08T07:32:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

Let the second guessing begin. Michael Beasley outshines Derrick Rose in crucial NBA summer league action.

NBC's "Football Night in America" add yet another heavyweight to its studio.

Just a little revisionist history going on in the theater world. No big deal.

At the end of two periods: Milwaukee 1, Cleveland 0

2008-07-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

The author doesn't want to beat a dead horse here, but two more developments in the CC Sabathia? trade. (That's how you write a lede, baby!)

First off, he changed his name. Sort of an addition by subtraction thing. Secondly, one boisterous writer over at SI.com is ready to pop the cork on some champagne and spray it in the general direction of Corey Hart if the Brewers will have him into the clubhouse. Easy there Mr. Corcoran.

Tight end saves man from wildly embarrassing public death

2008-07-07T18:03:00.000-07:00

So you're out enjoying a nice meal at a restaurant, trying to impress a date. You're a 45-year-old shipping manager and a life-long San Diego Chargers fan. You're also five-foot-five. Things are going pretty well. She's responding with steady laughter to your jokes, knows who Philip Rivers is and seems moderately interested in hearing the differences between onion rings and onion loaf. Suddenly, something is wrong. You're choking, oh my god you're choking. Somebody help you!!!!

Enter perennial Pro-Bowler Tony Gonzalez. But what do you do when a rival tight end wants to save your life? You drop your team allegiances and let the big guy maneuver.

Ozzie Guillen is patiently waiting for your E-mail

2008-07-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

Ozzie Guillen is lacking creativity in the Hotmail account naming department. But at least he checks his inbox.

Monday on your TV set

2008-07-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

Things are looking pretty bleak for the sports-on-television enthusiast tonight. if you fall into this camp, your best bet is a baseball game featuring an evil, large-market dynasty and a scrappy underdog. The Red Sox really are the new Yankees.

The author is most likely going to be watching "Dateline NBC." The tag line of this episode really piqued his interest:

"A chilling story of survival comes to the fore when Matt Lauer interviews a scuba-diving couple who were stranded for 19 hours in the open waters off Australia's Great Barrier Reef."

Tracy Jordan would sure know what to do in that situation.

Don't expect to see any ivy

2008-07-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

The best cure for a hangover is a contentious issue. Some say it's coffee. Others aspirin and a cold shower. Even a beer when you wake up. But this may be the author's favorite remedy to date. Trust him, you're not going to feel good on New Year's Day.

So, who's coming with him?

It has all the makings to be the sporting event of 2009 -- 15 hours into the year. You put the best team in hockey (the Red Wings) against local hockey darlings (the Blackhawks) and you add the quirkiest venues in sports (Wrigley Field). Genius.

Pete Barth and the Pride of Vallejo

2008-07-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

The other author here with breaking news from Sheboygan: The voice of Sheboyganians everywhere is leading in a melodious chorus of approval for the mighty Brew Crew's acquiring of C.C. Sabathia in exchange for some prospects.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with his oeuvre, Sheboygan Press columnist Pete Barth is the Peter Gammons of Wisconsin's central coast.

Barth sums it up: "Today, Brewers fans bask in the glory of welcoming C.C. Sabathia to town. The Cy Young award winner. To Milwaukee. Not New York. Not Boston. Milwaukee."

Poetry, friends.

As we travel south along the coast of Wisconsin, we reach Milwaukee -- home of that storied franchise we all know and love. Its venerable news outlet, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinal, reveals a disturbing, yet all-American mindset with its poll question: Is trading the long-term potential of prospects worth the possibility of short-term gain? 80 percent of its readership says yes, indeed, I'll eat this beer cheese soup and bratwurst now because it's delicious and will make me happy, even though I know after C.C. Sabathia's long gone next year because we couldn't afford to re-sign him, didn't we have a somewhat exciting run for the playoffs that, in the end, yielded nothing but a handful of broken dreams and a couple thousand extra tickets sold ... plus weight gain and heartburn?

Pete Barth is of that eternally hopeful mindset -- let's scrap the future for a shot at now. Down here it's our time, he's saying, it's our time down here.

Vallejo, California's own Carsten Charles Sabathia is the 6' 7", 290-lb. physical embodiment of hope. And Pete Barth? Well, he's more American than you or I may ever hope to be.

Two blond teen girls seperated by a single ampersand

2008-07-06T22:51:00.001-07:00

The author would be remiss if he failed to mention that the other author spent his day off covering a hot new musical group. Because Mr. Allen is so humble that he wouldn't bring it up in this forum, here's the final, authoritative word on Aly & A.J. If your last name is Quizno, there's one line in particular you may enjoy.

For the record, there may have been a time the author was asked to interview Miley Cyrus, but any records regarding that situation have been severely redacted by a litany of lawyers. This was before the whole 'Vanity Fair' fiasco of course.

Mariners take tools of ignorance to a new level

2008-07-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

Moments after a story came over the wires showing that the Cleveland Indians were symbolically taking a mulligan on their season, the Seattle Mariners provided a more tangible example of how a team gives up on a game. Handing the ball to your backup catcher and telling him to go out there and throw strikes in the 15th inning is one of the most bizarre things the author has ever seen. You play to win the game after all.

Pitch counts have dwindled, young prospects are handled with kid gloves and starting pitchers throw complete games about as often as backup catchers are the centerpiece of postgame coverage. But never before has such a blatant example of how bad the pitching situation has gotten been on display.

The Mariners have 12 pitchers on their active roster. And they found themselves in a position where Ichiro was begging to pitch in the 15th inning of a tie game. This should never, ever happen in a professional baseball game. What does that say to your fans, who have already endured a half-season to forget? Of the 29,083 people who paid for tickets, it's probably conceivable that one of them expected the Mariners to try and win the game. By packing it in and throwing Burke to the wolves -- in the form of Miguel Cabrera and Marcus Thames -- the cellar dwellers failed to hold up their end of the agreement.

We can only hope this is a wake-up call. The last time MLB ran out of pitchers and it got embarrassing, severe changes were made, so there is a chance managers learn from this mess. The author would really like to see this not happen again. And, if worse comes to worse, he'll throw an inning for you.

Cleveland Indians just giving up

2008-07-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

That Milwaukee Brewers clubhouse buffet really doesn't stand a chance now that C.C. Sabathia is coming to dine. ESPN is reporting that everybody's tilted-hat-wearing, jersey-number-tattoo-sporting former Cy Young winner is heading to Cheesehead country. The addition of the 290-pounder not only gives the Brewers a much-needed power arm, but also provides a worthy adversary for Prince Fielder when it comes to surface area arts.

Sox' fate firmly in Yankee, Red Sox hands

2008-07-06T10:42:00.000-07:00

Good morning Chicago. Both your baseball teams are in first place. And in nine short days they'll play a game at Yankee Stadium to decide who gets home-field advantage in the World Series. Or, if you've been downing Windy City Kool-Aid all summer: where you'll need to tailgate -- Wrigley or U.S. Cellular Field for Game 7 of the Fall Classic.

The starting lineups for that critical game in New York were announced today. Take a look. Notice anything?

Geovany Soto, Alfonso Soriano and Kosuke Fukudome were all voted in by the fans as NL starters. The White Sox? Well, they have nobody. That's four less starters than the Boston Red Sox have.

Look, the author understands that fans are going to be fans. They want to see all their hometown guys play in the All-Star game. But now that it means something, don't the fans have a responsibility to their teams to select the best players in the league. Especially in a season where home-field advantage is so pronounced. Why not reward the players who actually deserve to be there based on their performance to this point of the season? That seems like what a true fan of the game of baseball would do.

A perfect example of this is Josh Hamilton, the unequivocal best story of the season. But the author proposes that if you're going to punch your card for Hamilton, you must also vote for Carlos Quentin. And everyone else having monster years, regardless of how popular they've already become. These guys will give your team's league the best chance to win the pivotal game.

In the end, the soap box-standing author realizes this is a lost cause. Even though the game counts now, it's still basically treated as an exhibition. And he's witnessed people he respects punch straight ballots for their team of choice. Oh well. As long as these people don't get upset when their team loses a World Series game on the road.

Signs of the Times

2008-07-06T08:44:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

Adam Monk, all 22 pounds of him, is clearly the author's favorite co-worker.

In defense of George Michael.

Sort of a headline-writer's dream, huh?

Signs of the Times

2008-07-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

It's nice to see that everyone was able to band together and celebrate America peacefully downtown last night.

Derrick Rose looks pretty good in that Bulls uniform.

This man should come with a warning label.

If you dont mind, I'd like another please

2008-07-03T22:59:00.000-07:00

We're just a few hunger-pained hours away from what is really the apex of the sporting world's year: Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest. The author has been craving some more Joey Chestnut in his life something fierce.

Last year's epic battle featured Chestnut narrowly edging out the legendary Kobayashi by downing 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Sixty-six!

Sport or freak show, these 12 minutes are arguably the most uniquely intriguing span of programming that any network offers. At it's worst it's a bad "Fear Factor" segment. At it's best a testament to the human spirit.

In addition to contestants stuffing their faces with the quintessential American ballpark treat, there's the over-the-top, sensational play-by-play provided by George Shea. Today's rematch between the American champion and the Tsunami from the far East is using the tagline: "This time it's personal." Histrionics be damned.

What could possibly be more personal than a contest where two people from different ends of the earth viciously cram meat-like tubes and soggy, starch-rich buns down their throat as they hold back vomit with all their might?

The author has been a mild fan of competitive eating ever since "The Glutton Bowl" aired on FOX. All you need to know is that the producers pit a grizzly bear against Kobayshi. Man defeated beast in that epic contest, although if they bear had known he was in an actual competition the results may have been much different.

Say this is stupid. Maybe it is. But on the day we celebrate our nation's independence, know that this hot-dog eating contest is who we are. Reality television rules the air waves. Our nation is fat. We love to blow things out of proportion. This is real. This is gluttony. This..is..American.

A great day for all things orange and altruistic

2008-07-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

The University of Tennessee, which is situated comfortably in a fine place called Knoxville, has upped the pay of both its football and basketball coaches. This, according to the venerable news gurus over at the Nashville Tennessean.

I always thought it unnecessary and egregious to form a city's name into a moniker to identify its citizenship (see Chicagoan, New Orleanian, Texan, New Brunswickian). And to name a paper after the folks who live in a particular area? Why, this is just irresponsible or lazy.

Regardless, both football coach Phillip Fulmer and men's basketball coach Bruce Pearl have signed lucrative seven-year deals worth nearly $3 million per year. That's some scratch, for those of you keeping score at home.

But here's a special fact for those of you feminists out there: Pat Summitt, the women's basketball coach over there at Tennessee makes about a million skrilla less than both Fulmer and Pearl per year. But then again, what's she done other than build one of the most dominant programs in all of college sports, all the while amassing 8 -- that's right, 8 -- national championships since 1987?

Meanwhile, Fulmer and Pearl have, in 20 combined years of coaching at Tennessee, one -- one whopping national championship -- between them.

This just in ... Rosie the Riveter is reportedly rolling over in her grave, middle finger fully extended. Why she was buried face down in the first place ... well that's just another example of the man sticking it to us.

Bozo moving up to that Big Top in the sky

2008-07-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the first birthday party the author's able to recall featured a homemade version of the Bucket Bonanza. If memory serves, a vicious crosswind cost him a chance at the big prize as he missed bucket No. 6. That nostalgic childhood memory makes this news kind of depressing.

Thursday on your TV

2008-07-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight's firework night in Chicago, so the author will most likely be up on his roof checking out the controlled explosions out over the lake. But he's not promising he won't sneak some peeks at this game. How else is he going to know if Tim Lincecum's dad is proud of his boy? Plus, that windup really is something to behold.

If you love tattoos and golf, Miami Ink on TLC is serving up a special episode designed just for you. What exactly are we learning about here?

Sox like a self-concious chick trying on outfits before heading to the bar

2008-07-03T10:39:00.000-07:00

Lest anyone castigate the author for being partial to one local baseball team over the other, he'll point out that Uni Watch's Paul Lukas gave equal time to the White Sox with this week's column. It's really no wonder Barack Obama is a Sox supporter. They've changed their look more than any other team in baseball history.

Chris Kaman's long, strange journey

2008-07-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

Chris Kaman, as documented more completely here, is a weird dude. The monolithic Clippers center's latest stop on the road less traveled has him becoming a German citizen and preparing to lace up his sneakers for his new-found nation in this summer's Olympics. Nuts!

Kaman attended high school in the author's hometown. A fellow classmate of Kaman's would routinely recount the wild antics of the seven-footer to the author over AOL Instant Messenger until the wee hours of the morning. Now he has to read about them on ESPN.com. Downgrade.

Signs of the Times

2008-07-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

Hey! You kids keep it down back there -- daddy's trying to work.

How could an ad portraying Barack Obama as a monkey ever get the green light? Those crafty Japanese.

Prepare to live in a world where red-bearded Ryan Dempster is the starting pitching for the National League All-Star team.

Why do all the characters on 'Lost' have daddy issues?

2008-07-03T08:29:00.000-07:00

During the time it takes Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum to hurl a baseball 60' 6", said implement can reach speeds of nearly 100 mph. Not-so-giant American Idol runner-up David Archuleta can make a pop diva weep with his rendition of "Imagine." On the surface, it would seem these guys don't share much in common other than youthful visages that belie their ages.

But if you dig a bit, you'll find that the most important thing they share is the very reason we know who these boy-men are: Underachieving fathers with penchants for vicarious living.

Lincecum is currently the subject of Sports Illustrated's cover story. It details the unlikely rise to (sorta) dominance of this pitcher that most scouts wrote off as undersized and mechanically unsound.

So, how did he do it? What shaped this unlikely rise?

Apparently, there's a method to Lincecum's mechanical madness. At one point in the article, the reader learns: "In the stands Chris (Tim's dad) would sit behind home plate and flash signals to Tim, who knew exactly what to correct. If, for instance, Chris slapped his thighs, Tim knew to "sit down on my legs" through his delivery, to use the lower half of his body more."

We also learn in the article that Tim's dad could throw a pitch 88 mph at age 52. Those, friends, are the statistics of a sad, sad man.

The stage-parent antics of David Archuleta's father, on the other hand, were well documented, labeling him as "creepy and overbearing." Those are good qualities for guy to possess, right?

This leads me to wonder what it would be like to be really really really good at one specialized skill -- like pitching or singing. And what feelings of ineptitude and failure my father would have had to feel to force me to be really really really good at that one thing. But it turns out my father is an amazing, accomplished musician in his own right. Sure, he taught me a thing or two on guitar, but I'm no Clapton. I know the rice and beans when it comes to a fret board and I'm OK with that. He's OK with that.

But I'll never hurl a baseball at speeds of 100 mph and I'll never be an American Idol runner up. And I'm not entirely OK with that.

Hockeytown adds a resident

2008-07-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

The author understands you probably don't follow hockey. Heck, he'll only watch it if it's in HD. But to catch you up, the Detroit Red Wings won the Stanley Cup last month over the Pittsburgh Penguins. Now those boys from Hockeytown have gone and stolen one of the Penguins best players. Well, if signing him as a free agent counts as stealing.

Marian Hossa, a high scoring right winger per ESPN, will now join an already stacked Red Wing squad next season. Okay, that's the news. Here's why the author cares:

Hossa has one of the all-time great hockey names. HOH-sa! Yell it out loud. It sounds great. Few names combine the guttural power and finesse like this one does. Now imagine Al Pacino saying it. Outstanding.

Favre refuses to just 'Pack it in

2008-07-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

In news that surprise no one, serial Detroit Lions killer and living legend Brett Favre isn't so sure he isn't going to play this season. Really Brett? This is earth-shattering. Who could gave predicted this?

Old No. 4 has been the most fun player the author's ever seen. He's played with unbridled passion, won games with heart and grit and racked up mind-boggling statistics along the way. But this nonsense has to stop. It just has to. Training camp is in a few weeks, and gosh darn it, the Packers sure would like to know who their quarterback is going to be.

Poor Aaron Rodgers. The highly touted quarterback (not to be confused with former Creed frontman Scott Stapp) from Cal has literally had nothing to do but watch his hair grow since coming into the league in 2005. Just when he's finally handed the symbolic reigns to arguably the most storied franchise in NFL history, Favre reaches out from his home in Mississippi and tries to tug them away.

Look, we all get it. The author has walked a mile in Favre's Wrangler jeans. He misses the game. Every player that retires probably misses the game. But not every player does this one foot in the pool, one foot out routine at the expense of a franchise that was equally as loyal to Favre as he was to it. If Favre wants to return, he should. The guy can obviously still play, as evidenced by his remarkable performance last year. If the Packers want him back, then hold a press conference tomorrow announcing his triumphant return to the game he so loves. In short: get it over with.

The irony is that one of the NFL's greatest signal callers has been sending mixed ones since the day he retired. Either call an audible and come back or stick with the play you called in the huddle and snap the ball on the retirement. The play clock's running out on this charade, Brett.

Wednesday on your TV

2008-07-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

It's been an exciting day at Sports Pros(e). We've welcomed a new wordsmith, tackled the enigma that is the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays (Puffs) and learned that Derrick Rose can fly. With all the excitement around here, a night decompressing in front of the television is definitely in order.

While most people around here will be worshiping at the altar of Hawk Harrelson, we're going to give our big stamp of approval to season 20 of the "Real World" on MTV. Hey, that Joey guy is a compelling character.

Tampa Bay Raze: A farewell to Puffs

2008-07-02T12:37:00.000-07:00

My colleague has been an outspoken fan of the emergence of the Tampa Bay Rays. I agree with him in principle -- that a third-party competitor in the American League East is a good thing. But I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic for a bygone team from a bygone era that I once knew while living a life I used to live.

You see, I used to call the west coast of Florida home as a budding reporter. The Devil Puffs (as we referred to them at the time) were the only pro baseball game in town unless you wanted to trek across Alligator Alley to watch the Marlins in Miami (The Fightin' Fish!).

At least once per homestand for the three summers I lived in Sarasota, my friends and I would make the half-hour drive up to St. Petersburg to "The Trop," purchase a $5 ticket at the door and sit pretty much wherever we wanted. A few times, the Devil Puff prevailed in dramatic fashion. But mostly, they lost miserably. The stadium stayed relatively empty and we loved it -- especially on $3 beer nights.

One of our favorite rituals at the Trop was to send half of us to the third-base side and the other half to the first base side and have a conversation across the field as the game was going on. Those watching at home could make out perfectly what we were saying. Whenever an opposing pitcher came in to warm up, we would give annoyingly loud (and often high-pitched) sound effects to the ball. At one point, Francisco Cordero told us in so many words to refrain from doing that.

Though I'll always remain loyal to any team that calls the north side of Chicago home, I was, for a brief and lovely period, a proxy Devil Puff fan. They were part of the charm of living in Florida -- that, and my debilitating fear of snakes. But now I suppose that winning has removed some of the charm. The Devil Puff were always losers, but hadn't the history to be considered the lovable type. They're bona fide now. That'll change a man -- and a team for that matter. For better or worse? That's a question of character.

I did learn in the end that Florida's an interesting place -- most of it consists of sprawling towns situated in soggy places where man wasn't meant to manufacture anything. In a way, that's how I always viewed the Devil Puff -- a manufactured team in a market where a team wasn't meant to be manufactured, playing in a stadium ideal for razing. Luckily for them, winning changes everything.

Side note: Blocks from the Trop is Jack Kerouac's mother's house -- where the father of the beats lived his final, booze-soaked days. Sad and weird -- and at the same time, Very Floridian.

Rays of a new hope out East

2008-07-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

As much fun as the Tampa Bay fans --most of them coming out of the woodwork as we speak-- are having, the Rays' unexpected success this season has to appeal to an even larger segment of sports fans.

Those who are sick to death of the Yankees and Red Sox.

The author has long pined for an AL East team other than these two juggernauts to make a run at a division title. Unprecedented spending has rendered those desires more fantasy than reality since Baltimore won it in 1997.

Since then, either the Red Sox or the Yankees have won the division crown. If that isn't enough, the other team has won the wild card in seven of the past 11 seasons. The result? In addition to being inundated with 19 regular season games, we get up to seven over-hyped postseason contests between the two franchises.

The author realizes that this is probably the premier rivalry in all of sports. That's great. But he feels that the sporting world has an unappealing penchant for embracing decades-old rivalries, many of them just not that relevant any more, at the expense of accepting new ones.

That's why the bench-clearing, trash-talking affair between the Red Sox and the Rays has been so compelling this year. These teams have had bad blood for quite some time now, but the series has been so one-sided that we've been hesitant to label it a rivalry. With Tampa Bay flat-out outplaying Boston the games have taken on a new dimension and intensity.

The addition of a viable third party in the AL East sets up the exciting possibility of three-way battles down the stretch, more frequent do-or-die scenarios and a greater likelihood that someone other than the old stalwarts will get to make a World Series run. It's good for baseball.

Fight on Tampa Bay. You're the Ralph Nader of your division.

Signs of the Times

2008-07-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will take, on average, four minutes to write.

It's hard to believe that it'd been six years since a police officer had been killed in the line of duty here in Chicago. The author plays kickball just a few blocks from where the incident happened and certainly wouldn't classify it is a terrible neighborhood.

The White Sox may not ever lose again. Juan Uribe might also need to start packing his bags if this Alexei Ramirez kid is going to keep playing like this.

Does anyone really think A-Rod and Madge are "turning two" behind closed doors. Wouldn't this be about the stupidest thing that the Human Lightning Rod for Criticism could do -- give his critics more fodder?

A little bit of Monica in my life

2008-07-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

I am alleged contributor no more. First post, baby.

We're talking Rose this morning -- the spritely point guard variety. Perhaps only B.J. Armstrong and John Paxson (and anyone who's more than a casual-in-passing Bulls fan) were more excited than I at the Bulls selection in the 2008 NBA Draft. But I was even more excited to learn today that Derrick Rose was nabbed for speeding near where I grew up!

It's an honor.

I've driven I-88 in Chicago's western suburbs countless times. The speed limit is 55 mph, but no one -- not even my 90-year-old grandmother -- drives under 80 mph on that highway. If you do, you get honked at. That Derrick was driving over 100 mph is really nothing out of the ordinary for that area. But the fact that he was going for a drive to clear his head? That's just weird. Again, I've driven I-88 in Chicago's western suburbs countless times, but never to clear my head. That's just a waste of gas.

Tuesday on your TV

2008-07-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

If there's anyone that can cool the red-hot White Sox, it's Cliff Lee. The southpaw is 11-1 this year, should be the starting American League pitcher in the All-Star game and carries himself with a great deal of composure. Unlike this guy.

Hasselhoff and crew pass judgment on "America's Got Talent" for two full hours tonight on NBC. The author is sure this has been mentioned before, but why are people who really aren't the most talented in their respective fields making the decisions on these people?

Softball death hard to take

2008-07-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

We all know that recreational league softball gets a little out of hand. Guys take it way too seriously, play far too aggressively and pull the occasional hamstring. Every once in a while a shoving match will erupt between the teams or someone will get in the umpire's face. Rarely, someone will get hurt. But this should never happen.

The most alarming part of this story? The man accused of the killing, Sean Sanders, once was arrested for hitting a man "numerous times about the body with a golf club."

Who vouched for this guy? Who thought, 'Boy we got a good group of guys here who can play, but it seems like we're missing a guy with a long criminal record who can really mash the ball'?

Signs of the Times

2008-07-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

This feature will give you three must-clicks from the Sun-Times each morning. It will also take, on average, four minutes to write.

What a day to be alive! The author has often felt guilty that he's just not paying enough sales tax, so imagine the tremendous weight lifted of his conscience when he read this.

Luckily, the powers that be have already pegged the man who's going to cure all that ails this town of ours. Dont' worry about the ladies, Derrick. Cheating ain't what it used to be.

Alleged future S.P. contributor K.A. successfully avoids color puns for a full 615 words.

Monday on your TV set

2008-06-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

It's hard to think about anything else when there's a crucial AL Central contest featuring baseball's two hottest teams going on, but the author sure tries. That's why he feels compelled to point out that if you wanted to watch "Like Mike 2: Streetball" without paying the three bucks a video store might charge you, BET can make that happen. There were just so many unresolved issues in the first "Like Mike."

If you're more of a music person, "Walk the Line" will be shown with routine commercial interruption on FX. This Johnny Cash biopic chooses to omit the fact the legendary singer was a oft-recurring guest star on "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" in his later years.

Probably a good choice.

Mr. Piniella respectfully disagrees with your judgment

2008-06-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

The author vividly remembers the first American League playoff series featuring a wild card team. Ken Griffey, Jr.'s Seattle Mariners got the best of the pre-Jeter Yankees in Game 5 at the now deceased Kingdome. It may have even been on ABC. ABC used to show baseball. Now they show this.

The point is -- besides getting a chance to fondly remember Jay Buhner -- is that Lou Piniella was the skipper of that Mariner team. And he counteracted the laid-back, chill vibe of the Emerald City by periodically just losing his mind. He'd throw a base, kick dirt, kick his hat and just generally get in the face of any umpire he deemed fit.

With one well-documented exception, his tenure here in Chicago has been void of those tirades. But don't think old Lou has lost his fire or his willingness to fight for his team. That was evidenced by what happened tonight. When the dust settled Lou was ejected and the author's one-time favorite baseball player, bench coach Alan Trammell, assumed the coaching duties. So when a bang-bang call at first went against the Cubs, the former Tigers shortstop went out to argue and almost got tossed himself. What would have happened if he had got the heave-ho?

Several salty sports copy editors agreed pitching coach Larry Rothschild would be third in the coaching command. But is that written down somewhere? Is it in the media guide? Is there an organizational flow chart in the bullpen that someone would have pulled out and studied has we gotten down to the sixth- or seventh in command? These were all questions the author wondered to himself and is now posing here.

Sixth-grade civics taught us that there's a system in place for filling the president's role if he were to be killed or is under anesthetic during surgery or he just feels like taking a day off and hitting the links. It's been a long time, but the author thinks this is accurate. There's some weird choices on there when you get down the list. Under what horrid circumstances would the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development become the commander-in-chief of our armed forces? It sounds like a movie starring Will Smith as the underdog Cabinet member ascending to the nation's highest post in a time of great peril.

Oh, yeah. Trammell's Cubs lost by the way. Big surprise.

Holiday in Spain

2008-06-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

The country of Spain has pretty much flown under the author's radar, with the exception of the 1992 Summer Olympics and occasional gazpacho reference. Seriously, who would ever want a cold, tomato-based soup? But with the Spaniards' dominating 1-0 victory over the Germans today in the EUFA EURO 2008, the siesta-loving little country is enjoying probably their best day in 44 years and probably burning Madrid to a crisp as you read.

All through the tournament we heard how Spain has choked before and how they're too young to see this terrific run through to completion. And how they were forced to wear those unlucky uniforms. Oh, those crazy Europeans and their refusal to let anything go. It's been awhile since Moliere was writing, guys. Get over it. Can you imagine the Pittsburgh Pirates freaking out because they have to wear their unlucky reds?

It was Fernando Torres tallying the goal, a spinning chip over a sliding Jens Lehmann, in the 33rd minute. The real surprise was the lack of offensive opportunities the potent German attack was able to muster. Michael Ballack, playing through injuries, got a knock early in the contest and was taken off his game by a tenacious defensive effort.

Larry, Larry, quite contrary: Hows does your season go?

2008-06-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

It'd be a safe bet to say the author does not have his priorities in order. How else could you explain the frighteningly intense desire burning inside him to see Chipper Jones hit .400? Besides for having access to TBS for 23 years of his life, fashioning a paper tomahawk during the 1992 World Series and driving through the traffic disaster that is Atlanta, there's virtually no connection to our brave Brave. For the record, the author pleads ignorance on the tomahawk chop thing. He was eight and thought it was a different version of the rally cap.

Maybe it's because batting average, despite what sabermetrics and Billy Beane say, is still the barometer used to determine who can hit and who should sit. It's in box scores. Every at-bat is accompanied with an up-to-the-minute update on what the hitter's average is. "Player X isn't even hitting his weight" remains one of the most tried-and-true mixed-company stats joke an American boy can use.

You seen grainy footage of Ted Williams' 1941 season and you hear the great story about how he didn't take the easy way out and part of you wants to see a guy take a serious run at it. Chipper Jones was not the guy we expected to be hitting .394 at this point of the season. The pre-season money was on this guy. Or even him. But Chipper is hitting the cover of the ball, and the ball after that and repeating it about, oh if i I had to guess --39.4 percent of the time this year.

There's been .400 teases before. Most notably, this angry man hit .390 in 1980, this jolly (how come he never got a cool nickname) was hitting .394 when greed stopped the 1994 campaign and this Robinson Cano-precursor hit .383 in 1977. And the consensus first calendar day we can think seriously about Jones completing this task, from a sampling of three people the author approached on this, seams to be the end of August. By then he may have faded all the way down to the .320 level. And this post will seem even lamer than it does now.

What do you think? Are you chipper for Chipper? Are you jonesin' for Jones to do it? Or do you simply not care? The author suspects the frozen head of one man may have a rooting interest.

All Cubs, all Sox, all the time

2008-06-27T06:02:00.000-07:00

Three down. Three to go. Please head on over to the Chicago Sun-Times today at 3 p.m. CST to join the author and fellow wise-cracker Kevin Allen for a live blogcast of today's Cubs-Sox game at U.S. Cellular Field. Here's a little sampling of what you can talk about around the water cooler while you wonder where Santa's going to outsource his labor to:

The White Sox can't win the season series with the Cubs, but maybe if they start winning Ozzie can enjoy his dinner in peace. Guillen explains: "I don't want to hear people talk about baseball as soon as the game is over, but you're in Chicago, you have to do that. I went to an Italian restaurant, they only know about soccer. All of a sudden, this guy comes up to me speaking in Italian about [one of the games last weekend]. I'm thinking, 'Oh, God, that's just what I need.' ''

One of Chicago's toughest critics says the Cubs have what it takes to break that oh-so-vexing hex that's been hanging over their heads for a century. And they seem to be taking the high road in the little war of words started last series.

This is pretty cool, but kind of renders all this weekend's silly baseball-playing a little pointless.

Bulls smelling Derricks

2008-06-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

Here's another NBA conspiracy to worry about. It sure seems like there's just not much going on tonight besides the draft. Tim Donaghy, through a statement from his lawyer, nods vigorously in agreement.

Obviously the entire city of Chicago is holding their breath to see if the Bulls want to alienate their fans irreversibly by passing on the golden boy and taking Michael Beasley. The author will be staying inside and pulling the shades closed if that happens, thank you very much.

For conscientious objecters, VH1 really pushes the limits of synthetic nostalgia with "I Love the New Millennium." Haha! Look at those clothes! What were we thinking in 2006?

Yes! Yes! A million times yes

2008-06-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

The author really has some strong ties to the West Michigan Whitecaps. His father was one of the 22 winners who selected the nickname before the inaugural 1994 season. The family even made it out to the first game in franchise history, a soggy 5-2 victory if memory serves. At that time the 'Caps were affiliated with the Oakland A's and you could sit on the lawn for three bucks. During an on-field throwing session, the author almost hit former major leaguer Joe Boever in the head with an errant toss. To this day, the glare delivered by Boever is burned in his memory.

But, as we all know, things change. The initial excitement of a semi-pro team coming to town wore off, the Detroit Tigers became the affiliate and the lawn seats are now $7. But with this amazing promotion, the Whitecaps have never been more popular in this galaxy and in those far, far away.