Author powerless to Home Run Derby apathy

The author hopes to one day live in a world where there are Situational Hitting Derbys. He fantasizes about watching Placido Polanco go head-to-head with Tadahito Iguchi, trading soft ground balls to the right side of the infield. In this brave new time the new phrase "Is it deep enough to score Ramirez from third.....it might be...it could be...it's a sac fly!!!" would emanate from an over-enthused Chris Berman as a nation-wide audience tuned in.

But, here in the present, there are only Home Run Derbys. Tonight the house that Ruth (and honest union workers) built will host the annual big-dudes-teeing-off-on-batting-practice fastballs-as-fans-assault-each-other-for practice-balls-jamboree. Now, the Derby has grown from humble beginnings to get where it is today. Check out this 1959 clip of Mickey Mantle taking on Willie Mays, back when the winner got $2,000 for their efforts. Some Manhattan-ite is going to drop that on a luxury box tonight.



Hey! Wait a minute! Some of those cut scenes seemed a little fake. Come to think of it: so did the sound effects. Aww, shucks Mick. You wouldn't pull a fast one on the ol' author would you? By the way, Seven would be a great name for a boy...or a girl...especially a girl...or a boy. Sort of like a living tribute.


Back to present day. Here's Philadelphia Phillies slugger/strikeout enthusiast Ryan Howard hitting spheres into a body of water.

Ryan Howard's Home Run Derby
Uploaded by Dye23Productions2

The author just can't seem to get into this. He's tried. It just strikes him as one of those things that sounds like a great idea on paper but just fails to elicit any type of emotion when it's played out in real life. Really the only interesting thing is watching the longballs bounce off interesting stuff, but anyone over the age of 13 gets over that pretty quickly. Part of him wishes they could somehow revert back to the original dimensions of Yankee Stadium. How great would it be to watch ball after ball fall harmlessly short of that 490-foot marker in left center?

For the record, the author is picking Chase Utley to win, but wants to point out that we all lose if at any point a "Josh Hamilton tattooed that one" comment is made.

No welcome mat for Barry

One of the things we love about Ozzie Guillen -- apart from that little trinket he brought back to Armour Square a few years ago -- is his willingness to honestly answer any question put to him ...

On Friday, Ozzie addressed the subject of whether the Sox would pursue the currently unemployed Barry Bonds should Jim Thome go down with an injury. The short answer is: Not in this lifetime ...

After saying a couple of times "Barry can't play for my club," Ozzie apparently tries to soften the message a bit by calling Bonds "to me, the best in the history of baseball, no matter what" ...

Uh, not so much ...

The best player in baseball history -- and no one else is in the same ballpark, so to speak -- was a guy who batted .342 with 714 homers, a .690 slugging percentage and a 1.164 OPS (those last two are major league records). Oh, and he was also 94-46 as a pitcher with a 2.28 ERA. You might have heard of him: George Herman Ruth Jr. ...

After the Babe, you could make a pretty good case for Willie Mays, for his combination of power, speed and defense, or Ted Williams. Who knows what kind of numbers Teddy Ballgame could have put up had he not missed three full seasons serving in World War II, as well as most of two more for a second military stint during the Korean War?

So Barry's not the best of all time and he's not the best fit for the Sox. What is he? Some -- OK, many -- would say he's the worst thing to happen to the game since the Black Sox scandal. To me, Bonds' story is less a national (pastime) tragedy -- the game will survive, it always has -- than a personal one ...

Because if what we all suspect is true -- that he built his legacy on a foundation of chemical enhancement -- Bonds is facing a lot bigger problems down the road than being unable to find a DH gig in the American League. Nine years ago, I talked to a former minor leaguer who used anabolic steroids. You can see for yourself what they did for his career -- and his life ...

Is the price Bonds paid for his success worth it? Only he can answer that question ...